This was forwarded to me by Lisa Schuldt.
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example of the differences
between Men and Women offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: English 44A
SMU, Creative Writing Prof. Miller. In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process
is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
soon back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name
deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
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STORY: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who
once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at
all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one
sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans galactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.
Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers
to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,
which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow' em out of
the sky!
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
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Asshole.
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Bitch.
